TwoBert (a.k.a. Ferris Drooler, the Slobber Baron, and the Spitupotamus) is about to cut his first tooth. That's right, at 9 weeks. I didn't believe it either until I peered in and saw that nascent little crag on his gumline. A young man in this much agony this early in his human career needs a treat--like a distractful cinematic experience.
Robert's first movie was GOLDMEMBER, when he was four months old. I should say it was his first half-movie, because after he woke up my wife walked him back and forth in the lobby and I held the door ajar so she could peer in at all the visual prankery. It kind of took us out of the moment.
But that was before ReelMoms, whereby hapless theater owners make a desperate scrape for cash and dedicate one showing per week to parents and their boisterous offspring. It's a comfort, in a way, because usually you step into a theater painfully unsure whether some rude degenerate(s) will ruin the experience. Now, since you know everyone will, the pressure is lifted.
It's a fine idea, when you get past the needless sexism. (They couldn't go with "ReelParents"? That extra syllable was just too darned taxing?) So now that TwoBert can handle bottled breastmilk, I wanted to take him to a flick. But when I consulted the site for showtimes, the only movie playing was FANTASTIC FOUR.
Are you kidding me? From what I've read, that title is only half right. And never mind the violence and mayhem and ear-splitting noise. Do you think I'd let my child go through life knowing his first-ever film starred some stiff named Ioan Gruffudd? Is that even a name? Sounds like something Tolkien burped up after a long, wet brunch.
Thanks to a little sleuthing, we've changed our plans. We're taking our little teething TwoBert to "Rattle and Reel" at an indie place downtown. (Love that gender-neutral title--I guess dads can go, too.) And we're seeing MURDERBALL, which has everything you want to impart to your children:
- Life is random and brutish.
- Obstacles can be overcome with hard work and desire.
- Tough guys often have hot girlfriends.
- Play hard, and destroy all who oppose you.
It's violence and mayhem and ear-splitting noise. But with a message!